Connection with Others: Feeling Connected Even When Disconnected by Death

I just came from my mom's gravestone. Today is the second anniversary of her death. I thought that going to see her gravestone and seeing her name etched out in the gray stone would bring me close to her. There is a power in the words carved as a permanent statement of who she was. "November 9, 1934 - July 6, 2008, Beloved Wife, Mother, Grandmother, Sister" It could have said so much more. She was much much more than those few words, but I know that. It is important that I continue my connection with her by living the legacy she left me. She was the most non-judgmental person. She loved unconditionally. Her energy and love of life and of others is what lives on in me and in so many whose lives she touched.

Everyone experiences the death of a loved one in their own personal way. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first introduced the five stages of grief in her 1969 book, On Death an Dying. The five stages include, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I find myself jumping around these five stages and experiencing them in varying degrees all the time. Mostly I am in acceptance, but even in acceptance, I accept different parts of her death at different times. The hardest part of accepting her death is the permanence of it. I absolutely can't believe that I won't see her again. Forever seems so long and intangible. I can't tell you how many times I reach for the phone to call her to share something with her.

It is a Jewish custom to leave a small stone on her gravestone when you visit almost to tell her (and others) that someone stopped by to say hi. I say hi every day to my mom. I have active pictures of her around my house. I "talk" to her daily. I still want to tell her my successes, challenges and frustrations and I always want to share with her a story of a "good find" from a shopping trip. She understands. She still helps me cook, decorate, entertain and she is still my best friend. We just connect differently now.