My Birthday Present is to Stay Connected and Present

I have a birthday coming up. It's not a special birthday, although they are all special. It's not a big one, like last year, but let's just say that AARP keeps sending me things that I immediately throw in the trash. This is not a comment on the value of being a member of AARP, but when did I get to be old enough to qualify for their club? So many things are changing in my life. I am really aware of all my aches and pains and all the medical tests that my friends and I talk about now. I am no longer trying to find knick -knacks for my home, I am looking to clear my clutter that I have accumulated. And I now have two young adult sons that are getting ready to go out and live independently in the real world. That's the hardest change of all.

We no longer can find the time to have a week long vacation together let alone a weekend at the shore. I can see a time in the near future when our home will no longer be their primary home. That really scares me. How do I stay connected with my sons when I am no longer the one they come to for advice, money or good home cooked meals? It feels like just yesterday that I was arranging their playdates and helping with homework. There's the old saying that goes something like this, "a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life but a son is your son 'til he takes a wife". I live in fear of that and at the same time I can't wait for my sons to find their life partners. Is it horrible of me to secretly wish that my sons marry orphans? At the very least, have my future daughters in law have parents who live far, far away and my sons choose to stay close. Family is so important to me. We're not a big family, but one thing we do is that we always make holiday dinners an event. Rarely are there less than 16 at any holiday dinner. We have dinners for even the most trivial events. Who will be there for me as we get older?

I appreciate this time in my life so much. I am not rushing it at all. With one son graduating this December from college and the other graduating high school next June, it's only a matter of time that they'll be ineligible for our insurance or for being claimed as dependents on our tax returns. Of course, that's the least of my real concerns. Every loving mother goes through separation from their children at different times in their child's lives. It starts for some, like me, as early as when I first left them at day care when I went back to work, then when they go to school, camp, get their driver's license and the list goes on.

I, along with my husband, did our job! We raised two happy, independent, responsible human beings who each contribute positively to this world. What more can a parent really want? A phone call once in a while or a visit will be nice too! I have a good homemade chicken pot pie just waiting for when they're home! The best birthday present that I can give myself and that others can give me is the gift of staying in the here and now, and not only looking for what's next.
Happy Birthday to me!

Connection with Others: A Gift to Savor for a Lifetime

It is amazing what can be created with others when we slow down, open our hearts and savor the moments that life has to offer.

While in line at the airport in Asheville, NC yesterday I watched two women sharing goodbyes at the check-in counter. I could feel their connection and the love and concern felt by one woman as the other was assisted by an airline employee into a wheelchair. I had an urge to ask if she was heading to Newark. I wanted to assure both women that everything would be ok … that I would look after the woman traveling home in the wheelchair. I felt the urge but did not speak the words. The moment passed just as many do in our lives, the two women moved on and I stepped up in line to check my bag and print my boarding pass.

An hour and a half later, the voice over the loud speaker informed me it was time to board my flight. I had been lucky at check in. I was able to move my seat to the front of the plane – one with more leg room that also provided me with the ability to get off more quickly upon arrival. I sat in my seat with my journal and blackberry waiting for the airplane doors to close and hoping for an on time departure.

I guess that some things in life are just meant to be. With only a few moments before the doors closed, the woman in the wheelchair boarded and of course, took the seat next to mine.

As she attempted to settle in, I jumped up to help her with her carry on luggage. Her appreciation for my help ran deep and we quickly connected and engaged in wonderful conversations about life. She had a sweetness and playfulness in her eyes that reminded me of my Grandma Mimi. She shared her name as well as many of her life experiences. She shared stories about being an actress in Hollywood, about being a director, a poet, a wife and mother. She recited one of her poems for me. She shared her love for her family and her challenges with letting go when her children left home to pursue their dreams. She talked about the care she provides for her husband and her love and admiration for the friend she had been visiting with in Asheville. She shared her heart with me and she shared her wisdom about living life fully and about caring and making time for others.

The flight was less than two hours. The experience will be with me forever. It was a wonderful reminder that taking time to connect with others, to care for others and truly see others and appreciate them for all that they are, creates moments to savor for a lifetime.

Connection with Others: Feeling Connected Even When Disconnected by Death

I just came from my mom's gravestone. Today is the second anniversary of her death. I thought that going to see her gravestone and seeing her name etched out in the gray stone would bring me close to her. There is a power in the words carved as a permanent statement of who she was. "November 9, 1934 - July 6, 2008, Beloved Wife, Mother, Grandmother, Sister" It could have said so much more. She was much much more than those few words, but I know that. It is important that I continue my connection with her by living the legacy she left me. She was the most non-judgmental person. She loved unconditionally. Her energy and love of life and of others is what lives on in me and in so many whose lives she touched.

Everyone experiences the death of a loved one in their own personal way. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first introduced the five stages of grief in her 1969 book, On Death an Dying. The five stages include, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I find myself jumping around these five stages and experiencing them in varying degrees all the time. Mostly I am in acceptance, but even in acceptance, I accept different parts of her death at different times. The hardest part of accepting her death is the permanence of it. I absolutely can't believe that I won't see her again. Forever seems so long and intangible. I can't tell you how many times I reach for the phone to call her to share something with her.

It is a Jewish custom to leave a small stone on her gravestone when you visit almost to tell her (and others) that someone stopped by to say hi. I say hi every day to my mom. I have active pictures of her around my house. I "talk" to her daily. I still want to tell her my successes, challenges and frustrations and I always want to share with her a story of a "good find" from a shopping trip. She understands. She still helps me cook, decorate, entertain and she is still my best friend. We just connect differently now.

Connection with Others & Technology

As Jean mentioned in our last blog, we can “be” connected 24/7. I am so torn with technology and connection. Part of me loves it! I love that I can watch the World Cup and have all my friends and family on Facebook rooting for Mexico (even though we lost). I love that living far away from what used to be home, I can touch base with every person I love in this world. My problem arises when I stop connecting with the people I am physically with because I jump from a conversation with them, to one in cyberspace. My brother, recently, wrote a blog about the coolness of being able to use technology to connect with people during the world cup but at the same time it seems like we have ADD because we jump from one thing to the next. http://cafemagazine.com/index.php/component/myblog/fadd-futbol-add.html?blogger=CopaCaf%C3%A9

So as you can see, I have a dilemma-I have a love hate relationship with technology. I absolutely love the fact that I can “be” in the loop of things. That I can know everybody’s moment to moment news feed on facebook but at the same time I feel that I stop being present to what IS going on around me.

In this past year we have had a lot of friends and family visit us in our home in NJ. We used to have people visit us when we lived in Chicago and the Netherlands (5-10 years ago) The difference in the quality of the visit lately is huge. Before, we would gather around the table and talk and I would feel connected very easily. Now, we all have either a computer or a Blackberry or an Ipad in front of us and those get turned on or answered instantly-thus breaking the communication and for me the connection.

I think what I am seeking for is a balance in the way we use technology. I would love to go out to a lunch with my girlfriends and for us to agree that no one texts or answers the phone (unless it’s the children-or it seems like an emergency). If you have any ideas on how to handle this or if you want to share your story about connection I am all eyes and ears-unless I CHOOSE to see your response at a time when I am not connecting with my world around me!

Feeling a little torn…..Sandra